My friend is still unwell. She had her emergency appointment today with her psychiatrist who had minimal interest in her suicidal feelings. She upped the dose of one of the tablets she overdosed on, and cancelled an appointment that was planned for two weeks time.

Now my friend is in a state again and again there is no one to pick up the pieces except for me. My friend is aware how things have been with me and has tried to get alternative help by going to the MIND drop in, but that doesn't open until 2pm, which leaves me.

If I had not been around today I suspect she would have cut herself again or od'd again. I am not sure how much I can take without having a collapse myself. It has been very close lately.

I have worked my usual three nights this week but have suffered from events still affecting me from last week. In short, I cocked up at work and now I am being hauled over the coals for it. I made the mistake on the night No 2 son had fallen off his bike and was in hospital. I should not have gone to work at all, certainly didn't feel like it. If I didn't go in every time I didn't feel like it I would be there only half the time.

Anyway, I am off for a week and a bit now, and feeling lots better. the worst thing is that I have had extreme hormones this month, and I reacted like a little kid, by bawling my eyes out. I completely over reacted and had no control over it. So now I feel like a double fool.

I'll get over it

The sun is shining today and I have had good sleep. I feel lots better and have already cleaned the kitchen and am about to do a load of business stuff.

Going to sell my stuff at a local fair today, at a Bhuddist retrea. Last year it was huge so I am really looking forward to it. I have my 7 year old daughter in tow for the first time at one of these things, but we should be OK. She has already done her lunch....

My friend has managed to hold back from jumping off a car park so far, but still she has had no help except from her excellent GP who is as frustrated as we are.

She can't cope with being up and around for more than a few hours before being exhausted. I suspect that is the effect of all the tablets she has taken over the last week or two, and emotional exhaustion as well as depression.

I have not spoken to her yet, she has got into the sleeping in habit.

My poor friend has not managed to pull herself from the emotional gloop and in pulling hard to get away has ben sucked down even further.

She rang me earlier because she was feeling down still and had thoughts in her head to jump off a local carpark. She was like this before overdosing and I am worried she will follow through.

She has been in touch with her GP who thinks that admitting her will make things worst, and in some ways I agree. However, she is definitely a danger to herself and I am getting to the point where I can't cope. I just feel like telling her to get on with it.

I suppose working the night and not sleeping well doesn't help but she rings as soon as I get up, no chance for a brain warm up first.

Part of me of course is frustrated too, she is still not getting the help she needs and I am the ONLY person apart from her GP she is talking to about it. The other person in her life is unwell with heart problems and has threatened to tell her mum if she tries to do her self in again.

Anyway, the GP is tring to get hold of the psychiatric team. Will update when I know more.

I am work again tonight and Going up Manchester to pick up No 2 son and motorbike tomorrow PM, so can't help her then. I am around for some of Saturday but not Sunday, back at work Monday for three more nights. I can see there are going to be problems.

I should call this blog 'My Daily Drama'. I came in from work this morning, confronted with the news that No 2 son has had a motorbike crash. Now the boy is only just 16 and he only passed his test just over a week ago. In that time he has fallen off once, been knocked off once and this time he cillided (we think) with a car. He was visiting his parents (long story) in Manchester and had ridden up only yesterday, gotten there in once piece.

He is Ok but was knocked out, broke the car wind screen and wrote off his ike. I am working and so is my husband so he is going to stay in Manchester until Friday when we can go and pick him up.

I doubt he'll be getting on a bike any day soon.

Drama No 2 is not so dramatic. My friend with Borderline Personality disorder has been unwell for sometime and has recently took some hefty overdoses. See previous blogs on this one. She saw a sympathetic psychiatric SHO today as her consultant is on hols. He wanted to admit her but she did not want this, can't blame her after seeing the local mental health unit, and so he referred her to the crisis team, sho have again decided not to help her. I don't exactly know what she has to do to get the right sort of hel but it is doing MY hed in.
So not getting any help is not a new thing but what worries me is that today she took some tablets, her ususal diazepam she says, and she doesn't feel suicidal, just wants to go to sleep ( escape), nowt new there then.
No, today she CUT herself. This is also not entirely new behaviour but she has not done it for years. Her arms are criss-crossed with scars from previous cuts but they have all healed up and were slowly fading. She doesn't seem to get the same releif from her anger and stress from this as she used to be, so I hope it's a one off. It is a backward step though.

Regular readers will know that I am in the throes of clearing out and sorting out my house. I have been really busy with other stuff so everything is happening at a snails pace; particularly slowly as my husband who does it all with me is unwell at the moment with a stomach disorder and hayfever.

A few weeks ago he panelled the porch so I can paint it. We have the paint......

This last week we used up a weeks holiday taking the tiles of the bathroom wall. The plumber kindly took out the loo and sink, putting them back after two days in which we had replace the essential tiles.

The old tiles were originally cream but we didn't like them when we moved in, but they were sound so we painted them yellow and replaced the batroom suite.

It is still not finished with the tiles up mostly on the bath wall and the shower wall, but not around the window and above the loo. I am hoping he feels fit enought to come home from work and start tiling again. I am working tonight and have been in bed all day so I have done nothing. Besides last time I did something alone, he went nuts, so I will put up with the mess and wait.

I have always invited birds into my garden and couldn't work out why the local thrushes never came down for food.

Today however they are in the garden in large numbers. This is because my cherry tree has strted dropping fruit and they are eating it of the ground. The clever bit is how they are all working together to land on branches and dislodge loose ones so they can have more. The local squirrel has been there every day tucking in too.
:D

My friend was back in hospital again over the weekend. She was expresing suicidal thoughts all week but had not acted on them, and the powers that be had decided any help they gave would not be benefical.

She rang me on Saturday and said she had taken some tablets but was ok, I didn't click as she often takes extra diazepam to 'switch off' and just sleep. Anyway, I was busy again this weekend, tiling my bathroom and running a sale of my stuff for friends from my house.

I got a call in the afternoon from the police who were going to break in if someone didn't open up for them as they thought she had taken an overdose. i got the feeling they thought I didn't care when I said I was not going to follow the ambulance to the hospital, but I know she would not be with it for hours, she had help and I really needed to get back to my life. Luckily she understands this.

I am the only keyholder so I went off and opened up and she was on the floor of her bedroom staring and twtching, but not responding. The ambulance were there and four police people.

Anyway, they took her off to the local hospital where she was admitted and observed then discharged the next day. NO help again. She says she doesn't feel suicidal now but is very tired.

I really felt like thowing the towel in this time, but then she would have no friends and only an elderly cousin and an even more elderly mother who do not understand. Her mum lives down south too.
I don't give up easily and I have seen her improving year on year. When I first knew her she cut and od's every other day. I am told that people with Borderline Personality Disorder grow out of it, shame it won't be until it is too late for her to start a family and have a fulfilling relationship, something she would like to do had she not been so unstable. She won't even have a pet though she loves my dog dearly, though maybe she is right on that one.

I haven't plugged in for a bit, went away to a festival at the weekend where I sold my stuff. I have a friend who took two overdoses over the wekend while I was away, and if the effects of the second one had not been so vigorous she might be dead now.

As someone with borderline personality disorder she is treated by the system as a waste of time, BPD is not seen as a mental illness. At the same time it is not considered a physical illness.

In BPD she has all the signs of various mental illnesses including depression, unreasonable fears, anxiety, manic episodes, palpitations and agorophobia, small things become overwhelming problems. Sounds bad but on the whole she really tries to deal with it and spent years trying to stay in work until she couldn't go on anymore.

She is still trying to get back to work but the system works against her.

So over the weekend she was admitted to hospital twice and discharged the second time, for beds, and she saw a crisis team who decided it was in her best interests that she not have further help as she might get reliant on the service, another problem for BPD sufferers admittedly.

So all day yesterday she was suicidal and desperate for professional help and all she got was me. She has not friends and one cousling who is dying, her mum lives down south and has been less that understanding in the past.

Today she is a little better, she made it throught the night and is coming for a quick visit. She still feels bad and wants to take tablets. There is nothing I can do if she goes home later and takes them. I have accepted this as a fact of our relationship so don't try to take her tablets off her, not that she would let me.

I met my adoptive son's girlfriend yesterday for the first time in three two months. This is since he was chucked out for stealing and she became pregnant.

I am an easy going person but I was outraged at them both for her getting pregnant. He has mild learning difficulties, and I think she may have too. In short they knew what they were doing. I couldn't talk to her without feeling angry and upset.
So she and he came round yesterday, he to earn some money for jobs, she tagging along.

I was knew she was coming and was not sure how I was going to be, but in the end I felt nothing strong.

I work nights and on my first night I always try to go to bed for a few hours in the day and have a kip. So today I dutifully went to bed and woke up feeling tired still but thought it was time to get up. It was about 1.30 when I last looked at the clock and I thought it was 3pm when I woke and wondered why the alarm didn't go off. So off I trundle down to school to pick up Littlun when I notice that there are NO cars around. I see someone over the road and ask the time and they tell me it is 2.15. Waaaaaaaah

Back home now getting ready to go out again having had a cup of tea and am STILL tired 'cause I dare not go back to bed.

Weight watchers on Thursday went soooo much better than expected. I had in the week before eaten a hot dog, packet of revels, a chicken sandwich meal with milk from Mc Dondalds, a McDonalds sausage mcmuffin breakfast meal, a whole proper size packet of chocolate digestives, 2 choclate mini rolls, half a tiny tub of Haagen Daaz srawberry cheescake icecream, pie, pizza and that is all I can remember. I was still being 'careful' too.

I knew it was bad but it looks even worst written down.

I have this every month but this was the worst for a long time, maybe a throwback from the stress of my brother being sick the last few weeks, but definitely hormones.

Lord knows how I managed a pound off, but I have been very very good so far since then. Going for another pound this week.

It was hard to go to WW knowing that I might put have put on weight but I braved it. I missed last weeks meeting, maybe another contributing factor, stayed for it this week.

This week Melissa, our leader, had someone knit throughout the whole session. She then had us shout out all the naughty stuff that people had eaten over the week and added up the points. She did this for all her groups and then talked about how that could have been more weight loss. At the end she had the knitting back and dramatically unravelled it saying that this is what we were doing when cheating, unravelling all the good work we had done.

It made quite an impression on me but she was preaching to the converted this week.