I signed on to a website the other day under the pen name Sylvia Star. I just googled that and top of the list is a Burmese 'actress' and if spelt Sylvia Starr I get a Tarot reader. MMmmmmm. Maybe I might change it.:D

Well I had my Thursday weigh in yesterday and I had put on one and a half pounds. I am not surprised as I was stressing out about that meeting with my boss, I have been shovelling it in for weeks. Interstingly, just after that meeting the need to eat rubbish evaporated.

Not too worried a the moment, am now on hols and off to France on Sunday morning for ten days. I am looking forward to it but don't intend to go mad. We are self catering on a farm, free accomodation for some labour through a friend, then off to Disneyland with Littl'un. She has no idea and I can't wait to see her face when we get there. We are not telling her until just before we get there so she doesn't not enjoy the rest of the break anticipating it.

GG seems to have improved a bit but was still very down yesterday, she is popping in to see me in a minute.

Everything else seems to have calmed down and I am back at work for three more nights. People at work have been very supportive and no one has complained about having to do my work for me,. I know it is only temporary and look forward to being fully functional soon.

My back is giving me a lot of gip at the moment and I have has to slow down a lot and am taking loads of pain killers, or it feels like it. I am not taking a maximum daily dose of anything because some of the tabs tire me out ( anything with codeine in) I am making a concerted effort at the moment though, need and want to keep going. I have been considering going to a private physio after my hols if things are no better. I went to the work one only to be told that there was nothing he could do for me 'luv'. Grr. Maybe he was being dismissive but he didn't even examine me. I have hydrotherapy and light gym work in the past with good results.

Phew, been busy this week, a meeting every day.

Monday I have talked about, Tuesday GG and I went to her meeting with the jobcentre about work. The woman who interviewed GG spotted straight away that she was in a state and was very gentle in her questioning and came across as haveing a very full understanding of someone struggling with Mental Health problems. GG had a letter from her psychologist who gave a clear indication that it would be bad for her to work right now.

Incidentally GG saw her psychologist today and had a barney with him because he was supportive of what she wanted in Monday's meeting right until the time came when he was to pipe up, and he just agreed with the others. This is bad because she feels an element of trust has gone from their relationship. Having said this his primary role is to be therapy and that should not change if they can get over this blip. I think GG has a right to be angry, and I wouldn't have wanted to be him today.

Today was also my meeting with my big boss for my recent cock ups. She was very understanding and supportive, suggested using work's stress counsellors which I had not thought of, and gave me a reprimand.

My knees were trembling and my hands were shaking and it was all I could do not to cry (again ))Anyway, I feel tons better for getting that over with, I haven't felt like doing anything for days and have been feeling down for weeks.

Many thanks for my friends here for all your solid and sensible supportD

Back to earth with a bang today when I went to a meeting about care for my friend GG, with her of course. There was her Psychologist, Psychiatrist, heads of the acute and community services and their boss, a MIND advocate and me.

The upshot is that they are not giving anymore help than she has because it would not be 'therapeutic'. They are all very sensible and reasonable and after it I felt like banging their heads.

GG is upset of course but neither of us is surprised. So we are back to where we were, at least she can slep at night as her next meeting is in 6 months time.

I have just had a great weekend at the Festival at the Edge storytelling event in Shropshire. As soon as I hit Shropshire I start smiling, by the time I have set up and had a drink I am so mellow I could fall asleep. These events are like country fairs with music and beer, fun stuff for kids and adults,and people from all walks of life taking time off from the rat race.:D
Glad to be home too, missed littl'un. May take her next time. Plenty of kids to play with and stuff to do.

It's Weight Watchers Thursday nights. I have duly been and put half apound on. Not too worried, going to be working all weekend and have planned most of my food.

Quick hello before the weekend. Pobably won't be able to log in until next week. Keep well everyone.

My littl'un goes to Drama club every week and today was their annual presentation. She is 7 years old. She was in a lead role of wife of a cowardly fox. She was really funny and so were the rest of the cast. Stuff like this makes parenting such a blessing.

I am going to be pretty busy over the next week or so, it's full on from tomorrow. I am off to Shropshire at the weekend to sell at the Festival at the Edge. It is a great storytelling festival which I really enjoy. I sold there last year with great sucess. I am back this year without my partner in crime, Jane. She is doing her sponsered walk in Iceland for the Alzheimer's Society. Both parents in law are coming though and a couple of friends who will give me a break as necessary.

I have a massive list of stuff to sort out before I go but am working tonight and will have to get up tomorrow to get it all sorted.

Then it's Weight Watchers in the evening. I reached my first half stone last week so I was really pleased. Still trying to be good.

Next week I am with my friend GG who is haveing a mental health review on Monday and then a job centre interview on Tuesday. She has improved a lot over the last week and is eating a good meal nearly every day. I feel she will be a lot better after the reviews. She can get on with her life for a while until the next hiccough.

I have an interview with my big boss on Wednesday and then back at work Thursday, but will be preparing for a week away in France the week after.

Looking forward to the summmer hols in all sorts of ways.

I spoke to my manger last night who said that I should have seen Matron on Monday, but I didn't know a thing about it. I am now going to see her next week but the person re assessing me will be away next week, me the week after, so it looks like I won't be able to get sorted for another three weeks or so.

That gives me a chance to revise a little, but I am not worried about skills or knowledge, more the interview with the Matron. People at work have been very supportive and I feel better there now.

Thanks for all the positive comments I have had form fellow bloggers, it is keeping me going.

First night back at work last night since le cock up. I have been dreading it all week. Nothing has been done about getting me assessed so I am still working below my usual level, but I am glad to get back onto the horse so to speak.

Still felt tired, though was when I got up yesterday and then had only a short nap, so that wading through treacle feeling was with me as usual. Looking forward to my next hols ( in a couple of weeks) and to getting this thing at work resolved.

Had a good few days doing stuff that I wanted to do after the last few weeks of other people's problems.

On Thursday I went for a 6 mile walk in the Peak Park, not over strenuous but enough for me, I didn't think I could walk that far, and I was struggling with back and hips towards the end and I was in a lot of pain but boy did I feel great. I needed to get out into the countryside, it always does my soul good. I went with Mary, a good friend who always is there for me. Just a normal person who has a pretty normal life, in my eyes.

Thursday night No 1 son, who has been kicked out, had a party. He is now 18 years old going on 14. I am not sure whether he will ever improve on his educational age now, his dad is about the same. In short, he will always need help. Learning difficulties don't go away just because the child grows up.

Friday and Saturday were spent visiting family in Portsmouth and New Forest. Didn't stay long with any of them. My brother who had the brain haemorrhage the other week is back at work but is struggling. He is still getting headaches, speech problems, occasional numbness down his arm or leg. In short, he should still be off work bt he says he will lose his job if he doesn't go in. I have met his boss and I don't like him. He doesn't care about my brother at all, and as his only employee, treats him really badly.

Today we are having a BBQ for all our friends. Hope the rain holds off.

Still feeling on the down side, suppose it can't be helped. Every time I think about work I get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel sad.
I went to the library yesterday and picked up a book about changing your career. May give me some inspiration or just motivate me a bit.
I have been doing a bit of clearing up again today. I can't believe how fast my house gets into being a pit.
Decided to start being ruthless with the clearing out. There is no way I can read all my unread books in the next five years, so a lot are going to go. I suppose this feeling of the need to clear is related to my feeling out of control in other areas of my life at the moment.
Sorry to be so miserable, will cheer up when the work stuff is all sorted out.

My friend GG is feeling a little better, not suicidal anymore anyway, though still low in mood and tired all the time. She is worrying about her case review to take place on the 17th of July and her job centre appointment on 18th July.

We went for a walk in a local ancient woodland today. SHe showed me this woodland years ago when she was doing a conservation course. She studied it throughout the year. At that time I was the unfit one and she was physically very fit. It was I puffing around then but now it is her. She has put on about four stone with the medications she has, she certainly doesn't overeat. Today we took a slow walk round, about a mile, and that was enough for her. It was for me but more because I can't walk that slow without getting back pain.

It made her tired out and she has gone home for a nap. I feel energised and have just been cleaning. It was great that she made it out though, she says it is the furthest she has walked for ages. I don't feel so angry with her now either.

Yesterday I was tearful and felt extremely unhappy. It is mostly because of the cock up at work which has lead to restrictions on my practice rather than all the other stuff from the last few weeks. I have to be reassessed but I am off work for a week so it is hanging over my head.

My heart was not in it when I went to my friend Jane's house yesterday to set up for her sale. I had to nip back and pick up my littl'un from school, had a nap and felt much better for it. Back at Jane's I had a glass of wine, was fed and by the end of the evening I felt much better, almost human. We sold some stuff too, which cheered me up. I am not so bothered about the money as the success of it. Of course getting back what I have spent is important too.

Had a great day yesterday, drystone walling in Derbyshire, but boy was it hot, and after a few hours I was wilting. Felt rubbishy most of the day because I was (probably) dehydrated despite drinking loads. I did feel bad before I went out, if I hadn't been leading I wouldn't have gone.

The final construction was good though, with it all coming together at the end of the day. We go back in October to do more, can't wait.

The other strings of my life continue. Husband continued on the horrible tiling in the bathroom. We couldn't have picked worst tiles. They are squares made to look like lots of little squares in blue and white, very nice. The thing is that they are made of terracotta so cutting them with the electric tile cutter has stained them. His main problem yesterday was that the grout kept shrinking. I think it was probably too warm. So despite best efforts for a good part of the day, it doesn't look like he has done much.

The porch is now half painted, despite best efforts of son No 2 to completely botch the job. I was trying to tell him what to do and he said I know what I am doing , I have and 'O' level in decorating (which is true). I let him get on with it which he did seriously badly. The paint was drying too fast too. Hope the weather cools down so we can get this stuff done properly.

So that is it for now. Off to my friends house as she is selling my stuff for me today and tomorrow, she did my house last month.
She is £100 pounds off her target for the Alkzheimers Society walk whic she goes on on Saturday. Wish I was going to Iceland with her.

Many thanks for those positive comments from readers of this lowly blog. Made me shed a tear. Made me feel uplifted and smileD
Many thanks for that.

I woke up in a positive mood yesterday. Energetic and full of the joys of life. I had a list of things to achieve.

Unfortunately a lot that positive energy was sapped by three visits from my friend who was in a low mood and restless. Her appointment had not gone well, she had a letter saying she had to go to a job centre appointment or her benefits may be affected.

I understand her feeling low and the reason she came so much was that the MIND drop wasn't open until 2pm.

I thought the MIND drop in had closed, but no,just the bedroom bit where people could 'crash' if they needed to get out of their own place.

Now my friend has started using this facility but only because I was getting to the point of having my own breakdown. I am angry at her now. Why didn't she use it for all these last years, particularly because I am getting less tolerant and less able to help her.

I think it was anger which compelled me to say to her yesterday that I had been very close to calling it quits, which had been true after the last overdose. Everytime I was doing something positive for me, my family or my business, she was trying to kill herself or at least switch the lights out. I felt like saying, 'stop messing around and just DO it'.

I think that my anger is probably natural and I know that she was not thinking of upsetting ME when she took her pills, but she had had enough of life. I DO understand but as I am the sole friend she has to turn to, despite my encouragment for her to find others, I find my self unable to cope so well and it is having a negative effect on my own family life as well as my own sense of well being.

We talked too about my husband yesterday. We have had an enormous amount of stress since taking the boys on 11 years ago, and she has been there all the time with her problems. She is not my husband's friend, he can hardly tolerate her, particularly when he is unwell with his colitus and hayfever, or tired from work. He has put up with her as a labour of love for me. This last few weeks have made things start to go sour between us a little and there is no way I want to lose him. He is the love of my life.

She is going to avoid coming around in the evenings now, which takes the stress off him to be civil when he sees her.

I hope she keeps the MIND lifeline open now, otherwise I may just crack.